Today was a long day. Unbearably long. The partner whom I work for called me into her office and asked me to organize documents for yet another deposition! When are they frickin going to stop the endless discovery on this project. I sometimes think there have to be better ways of making money - including going through the painful process of injecting myself and harvesting my eggs for sale. Or, renting my womb.

Speaking of eggs, I am about to reach that stage of a woman's life in which her eggs may no longer be as um, fresh, as they used to be at one time. This is causing me no small amount of anxiety. I won't panic. Yet. Maybe in another five days though I might.

losing it

i'm losing memories of you - they are fading fast into the background. that's probably a good thing. the more they linger the harder it will be for me to pretend that i don't care, that i don't have any feelings left, and that life is marching solidly on, without my care.

i'm losing bits and pieces and fragments - they fly off like shards of glass splinter in a crash. they are flying everywhere and i'm ducking and trying not to get hit, hurt by the fragmented memories and thoughts that scatter around.

it's fine. it really is. but sometimes, in a quiet moment when the car is at a stoplight and the radio is playing some song that was our favorite, i find a piece of something that reminds me of you. and it makes me smile.

test me

sometimes people like to test people, to know where the boundaries lie. they are like explorers, charting the course of the new world and attempting to figure out how much of this world/person they can conquer. maybe they test how much of the landscape is something to fear - something to submit to or at the very least, walk around with a watchful eye. or more likely, they test people to see what they can get away with, how far they can push things and how much their will dominates.

i don't test people. i take people at face value. i don't push or poke to see where they will crumble. i don't put walls up deliberately. but i do have fences. i think of them as wrought iron fences that help keep out intrusions but through which you can travel, if you get the key.

but if you test me - act like a jerk, manipulate, or push my buttons just to get a reaction, the moat goes up. the fortress goes into lockdown mode and i won't respond. i don't appreciate tests like that.

test me and i'm out.

maybe I'll never understand the reason for why we never worked out. ironic, because i thought for some reason it wouldn't but couldn't figure it out. maybe you and i in a parallel universe are living out a happy and fulfilling life together. sometimes when i'm stone cold sober i remember the reasons, but lately, i am awash in a fog of wonder.

and maybe i'm just wishing hopelessly against hope that someday it will all make sense to me. right now, it doesn't - even though it did a while ago.

it feels confusing - mashed up gray emotions mixed with the soggy memories of the past. it feels like the laughter that left in the middle of a joke, like a sneeze that never came out. it feels like the cat scratching against the door, pawing, wanting to go out but kept inside with the rain beating on the window pane. or the scream that you try to do in a dream. i want to yell but i can't. maybe that's what i'm missing right now. the inability to express something anything whatever. but even if i did, you would never know.

maybe you wonder too. maybe you understand, better than i do. i thought i understood but then it came apart - my understanding.

maybe someday it will make sense. and maybe someday it still won't. but maybe, baby, that's ok.