Thursday, April 19, 2007

it is a struggle sometimes.

I am at work right now, craning my neck at the computer, trying to pretend to be entering a chronology of events in this case that I'm working on but it is the biggest struggle I have not to click onto the internet and go to my favorite porn site or to surf on over to the best betting site I have bookmarked. How do you really bookmark something as the best, though? It's difficult because the minute you do, something else pops up that replaces what I thought was the best until pretty soon, the best is now the worst on the list....

Anyway, the days have been slowly slipping off like a silk scarf billowing and falling off one's neck on a breezy spring day. No that's not quite right. The days have been falling away and receding from me like a body falling off a building - you can't believe how fast it's going but before you know it, it's done. Kaput. Splat. Over.

I was thinking about how the days are slipping away from me because I've got a deadline on this case and yet, all I can think about is... what should I eat for dinner; or is that zit getting bigger; or am I always going to be in this job forever and ever. And, what's going on in Iraq? Ok I'll be honest. I threw that in there not to sound so self-absorbed but I am self-absorbed. Hopelessly. I'm trying not to be but uh, it's not taking very well.

In the midst of all this, the lawyer on this case calls and asks me where the Hell is the chronology of the case? I'm supposed to be organizing documents and chronologizing them into a neat pile in different boxes with an index. But, I can't stop thinking about everything else.... the Internet calls to me, its siren scream drawing me to the mouse until I click. Again. and again. and again.

It's a struggle sometimes to stay focused on my work.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

The drinks started slowly and the conversation was a little halted... I wasn't sure that you were interested; you seemed somewhat abrupt and uninterested when we met... I felt my defenses go up. I found you to be interesting and funny and someone whom I'd want to get to know better... but something about you made me feel uptight and serious and so not cool. I didn't like feeling so uncool... I started to shut down; I'm not sure why. I think I started to wonder if you were really my type and thinking that Im not your type, and then before I knew it, I had decided that nothing was going to happen between us. Typical overthinking, overanalysis... over before it started.

And that's kind of a shame... because you seemed like you could have been fun.