i just googled someone whom i went to school with and found out that she's become a big-shot corporate lawyer at some big firm. she was always the kind of girl who would try to show off her knowledge and who felt compelled to tell everyone else how wrong they were about this or that. and, to learn that shes ended up as a lawyer in a firm made me smile with a little satisfaction... because, no matter how little i make and how much drudgery my job hands me, i get to go home at the end of the day and just forget about it all.

Ive had a stressful week. I had to endure a coworker's ranting and raving about some perceived slight of which she accused me; had a "talk" with this boy whom I'd been seeing which informed me that there was no "us" in us; and had the worst migraines.

But, on the bright side, I lost 3 lbs!!!

I'm looking for something to ignite me, to get me worked up and to feel alive, the way you feel after a long jog through the beach. I'm looking for a way out of the drudgery of my everyday life - the spark that keeps you going. For a long time, I looked for that in things: the right pair of jeans, the car, the restaurants that I went to, the purses... Then I looked for that in people: my friends, my teachers, my boyfriends. But I ended up burning out these relationships. So I looked for it in places: travels to paris, london, rome, and berlin; hawaiian holidays; thailand; vacations in the carribean. And I looked for it in religion. Finally I looked for it in my hobbies: jogging, skiing, hiking, whitewater rafting, and even, yes, writing.

But, I found that none of this really totally ignites me. I think I've only felt that alive when I'm falling in love; then I feel like the world is both endless and finite and that I could conquer anything. Yet this feeling doesn't last when it happens with relationships. So, is there a way to experience this independent of people, places, and things?

I think that if I can maintain this sense of wonder and marvel, regardless of where I am in my life, then maybe I can possibly move worlds. Maybe then I won't need to search constantly outside of myself.