it's already october. the chill in the air reminds me that another year is passing. another year in which i haven't accomplished my goals. another year that i am older. another year that i have wasted time. wasted time at work; at play; and even in sleep. wasted time not doing the right things, the important things, the things that i can look back on and smile thinking, those were hours that i don't regret.

i have half-listened to friends; half-assedly surfed the internet; half-heartedly liked someone i was dating (but whom i couldn't really bring myself even to kiss); and half-spent my life now. it is nearly half spent and it feels like i have done nothing that is even half-worth it.

that's not entirely true. a few moments shine. the crowded beach when i was 13 and lithe and tan. wearing my tight jeans and feeling like the world was ahead of me. late nights with my friends doing nothing more than drinking and laughing at the absurdity of things. that chocolate mousse that was nearly perfect. a warm cup of coffee on a frozen morning. the way that he smiled and looked at me. lounging on the porch, listening to the rain and reading a book.

the world is falling apart. it's times like these, i realize that i should pay attention to everything. even in the midst of half-assed half-hearted moments, life happens.

you will never know how much i missed you.

you will never know that i used to wake up with your name on the tip of my tongue and mind - just hanging in the space of everything, like dust and molecules floating in the air... invisible but present.

you will never know that i recently started writing you letters in cyberspace - a place to voice my thoughts in penance.

you will never know that i still think of you with the sorrow of someone who in hindsight understands loss.

you will never know that sometimes, late at night, i imagine that you are here with me and that our lives had turned out differently.

last night i remembered you again. i was with someone else but for a second, i imagined he was you... and it made me happy. silly me.

you will never know, but it's time to let go.

i'm trying to be compassionate, respectful, and fair in my dealings with people. sometimes it's hard when they throw only anger, disrespect, or bad attitude at me. and it makes me wonder whether i've somehow drawn or attracted that situation to my life? it makes me stop and examine my role in the interaction to see whether i'm contributing to the reaction, and many times, i realize, yes i am contributing my share to the situation. sometimes though, people can just be plain rude, unprovoked. in those cases, i've decided that it's best to shake it off and let it go. after stomping all over 'em, of course. ha. just kidding.