I have so few memories these days. It's almost like someone has come through the shelves of my mind and thrown boxes of the the past hour, the past week, years, out... never to be retrieved again. I wonder if this is how senility sets in. Last in, First out... does the purging of our most recent memories follow the accounting convention LIFO?

I obviously have way too much time on my hands to be contemplating how I can't remember what I did the other day. Maybe it's because I did nothing memorable. But, it's more than that... I can feel the slipping away of time in small ways. I can feel my own and my friends' lives changing. I sense how these life changes are causing us to lose each other sometimes... my grip on our relationships slowly releases to allow new relationships, activities, and friends to enter.

This happens sometimes where you're on the threshold of leaving one period and entering a new stage. Yet despite some changes in my life over the past year, I still feel like I'm waiting in the wings... waiting for the curtains to open and for the next act to begin.

Trying not to complain is hard. It's really really hard when you're an inveterate complainer; a world class whiner who finds something always to nitpick at and despair. It's going to be difficult to break myself of this lifelong habit. But I think I just got some nice news... which really makes me want to try. It is a little blessing. And for that, I'm grateful.

The past weekend was a tough one. Got some bad news that threw me off on a crying jag for 24 hours and cast all my normal daily grievances and complaints in sharp relief. We all do it - complain about the small irritations ad nauseum, without thinking. It's become reflexive for me. But then something really bad happens and you realize just how lucky you were before to be annoyed by petty things. I need to remember that if I'm whining, I'm probably being either lazy or ungrateful. Thats the lesson of the week.

It's really really really cold in L.A. Have I mentioned that it's cold? I can't remember the last time that I felt like L.A. was TOO cold to live!! I am wearing longjohns, sweatpants, a wool sweater and a jacket and have the heat cranked up to 72 degrees. Sorry conservationists, but I'm still freezing my ass off!

I wonder if this is how people in other parts of the country feel when it's winter. It's only mid-January and I can't wait for February to get here so that L.A. can get back to its normal winter weather of 70 degrees in the daytime.

I'm not sure if it's the cold weather or it's just Me, but today I decided that my Happy Plan is not working. I know I could meditate or reflect on what it is I need to do either internally or externally to change my situation or to make myself happier.

Well I have reflected a lot. And, I've decided that I may need in fact to throw some drinks into the mix. If the drinking doesn't work, then I'll have to consider drugs.

Well, off to find another layer of clothing....

The ugly mood has passed but some residual after-effects are an extra 4 lbs from lots of nachos and chocolate to pacify myself.

I wish I could find a drug to cure myself of feeling my emotions. Yeah I guess it's called Prozac. But, I didn't really mean drug. I meant, I wish I could find a non-drug way to get out of a funk. A non-drug way that doesn't rely on other unhealthy and fattening addictions.

Avoidance is another issue that I am trying to deal with. In avoiding one issue, I usually come upon other issues. Then, its a question of which issue I want to avoid more- and I usually will obsess about the perceived easier issue...

Today for example, I came across an old note from an ex boyfriend that made me nostalgic. I started thinking about ex again and remembering the good and bad times. I started to question whether what bothered me about our relationship was really that important. I remembered how he used to do small things, like bring me home ice cream when I was feeling upset, and how he used to watch me fall asleep. I miss those things.

Ultimately, I'd forgotten that I was going to be more future-focused and optimistic this year. I'd also forgotten the reasons that I broke up with ex in the first place. So much easier to look back than to face the hard questions. What do I want out of life and how am I going to get it?

Anger and resentment are funny emotions. They lay beneath the surface, swimming placidly below the lake like the crocodile (or is it the alligator) and suddenly leap up out of nowhere and BITE, they have your ass before you know it. You could be walking along humming a little tune like a bee, but then someone says something, and SNAP, the jaws of anger have you in its grip and you can't struggle free.

This happened today. It's definitely not part of the Optimism program 2007. Anger is an emotion that can corrode away your heart so I want to keep it to a minimum.

Although it's not the type of anger that is white-hot and causes me to lose control of my words or my thoughts, it's scary too because it's the cold anger that is harder to let go of. It feels like cold coffee: murky, cold, and just too bitter to drink.

HNY

So it's the new year and I've resolved that I need to be more positive. It's the one thing I resolve every year and like, losing weight, it still ends up being something I need to resolve again every Jan. 1.

Anyway this year I resolve to be positive and happy and psyched that I'm turning a year older!!! Yeah!!! It will be great!!!!!!!

I hope that this enthusiasm lasts through the year.

If not, I can always resort to plain old scroogey bah-humbug feelings by December.