Wednesday, December 19, 2007

When you lose someone whom you were close to, it can be shocking. It really drives home the idea that all things are transient - even those things we take for granted as being permanent fixtures. You realize that all the little things that you obsess over are not important. Not as important as the people whom you care about and not as important as how you spend your time with, and treat, them. We're all on this ride for a limited time so make sure to enjoy it and the people who are riding with you.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

When the leaves fall and turn orange,
they paint fire on the cool gray sidewalk.
Last remaining embers scattering
flying, torching the world.
Last burst of sun and summer
Reminder of lush green trees
thick with leaves.
Now fallen, shivering, moldering,
when did it get cold and gray.
Darkness comes too soon.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

it is one of those unseasonably warm november days. it reminds me of the summer, in fact. everywhere i turn, people go about their daily routines as if things are normal. no one seems to have noticed the change in atmosphere - the definite shift that causes me to wonder, what month is this?

one minute you can be going about your life on auto-control and the next, nothing is as you thought it was. it's something to remember - this feeling.

i can't believe how quickly the year has gone. the surprises of the past month are still settling into my brain as if after an earthquake. things feel unsettled; one quick movement, and who knows what the disturbing after-effects may be... will the dishes fall out of the cabinet and crash to the ground; will the foundation of the earth buckle and swallow us whole?

i move carefully these days. i guess that's all that any of us can do. strive for elevation but hold onto the ground.

Monday, October 22, 2007

i'm at a loss for words. it seems incomplete, everything. i remember you and i remember this and that and i remember that i'm not done remembering, even though i can't remember what i had for dinner the other night. i can't seem to stop them - the memories flitter here and there. and then this happens. which causes another set of memories. a whole new catalog to be built - good, bad, sad, incomprehensible. the thoughts are muddled and confused and keep me wired all night. i feel bad that i did not see this coming. i wonder if there is anything that anyone can do to prevent things. i feel like i have failed. amid all of that, a funny thought pops up and makes me smile. i hope you're ok... everyone whom i have known.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

positive positive positive

time and again, i try to stay focused on the goal - which is not to stay focused on the goal. i keep trying to remember it's about staying in the moment and focusing on the here and now. snap out of my self-pity and obsession and moping. but it's so damn hard sometimes not to wallow and whine.

Monday, September 03, 2007


I ran into someone recently whom I wish that I'd gotten to know better. The timing, the way that we interacted, or maybe or the color of the sky or the day of the week wasn't quite right for us then.

And, it was still a bit awkward when we saw each other recently. Awkward as in, we kind of didn't know what to talk about but we were sort of trying. If we could break through each other's walls, we might like each other and have stuff to talk about. We're kind of like astronauts in our space suits, all suited up, protected from the elements, trying to gesticulate and communicate through sign language, making faces through our bubble helmets - trying to touch the other. If one of us were more assertive and less insecure, maybe we'd actually have connected. Or, maybe not. Who knows.

Anyway, I think I need to take off my space suit and get to earth so that I can try to communicate with other people a little more clearly...

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Today was a long day. Unbearably long. The partner whom I work for called me into her office and asked me to organize documents for yet another deposition! When are they frickin going to stop the endless discovery on this project. I sometimes think there have to be better ways of making money - including going through the painful process of injecting myself and harvesting my eggs for sale. Or, renting my womb.

Speaking of eggs, I am about to reach that stage of a woman's life in which her eggs may no longer be as um, fresh, as they used to be at one time. This is causing me no small amount of anxiety. I won't panic. Yet. Maybe in another five days though I might.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

losing it

i'm losing memories of you - they are fading fast into the background. that's probably a good thing. the more they linger the harder it will be for me to pretend that i don't care, that i don't have any feelings left, and that life is marching solidly on, without my care.

i'm losing bits and pieces and fragments - they fly off like shards of glass splinter in a crash. they are flying everywhere and i'm ducking and trying not to get hit, hurt by the fragmented memories and thoughts that scatter around.

it's fine. it really is. but sometimes, in a quiet moment when the car is at a stoplight and the radio is playing some song that was our favorite, i find a piece of something that reminds me of you. and it makes me smile.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

test me

sometimes people like to test people, to know where the boundaries lie. they are like explorers, charting the course of the new world and attempting to figure out how much of this world/person they can conquer. maybe they test how much of the landscape is something to fear - something to submit to or at the very least, walk around with a watchful eye. or more likely, they test people to see what they can get away with, how far they can push things and how much their will dominates.

i don't test people. i take people at face value. i don't push or poke to see where they will crumble. i don't put walls up deliberately. but i do have fences. i think of them as wrought iron fences that help keep out intrusions but through which you can travel, if you get the key.

but if you test me - act like a jerk, manipulate, or push my buttons just to get a reaction, the moat goes up. the fortress goes into lockdown mode and i won't respond. i don't appreciate tests like that.

test me and i'm out.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

maybe I'll never understand the reason for why we never worked out. ironic, because i thought for some reason it wouldn't but couldn't figure it out. maybe you and i in a parallel universe are living out a happy and fulfilling life together. sometimes when i'm stone cold sober i remember the reasons, but lately, i am awash in a fog of wonder.

and maybe i'm just wishing hopelessly against hope that someday it will all make sense to me. right now, it doesn't - even though it did a while ago.

it feels confusing - mashed up gray emotions mixed with the soggy memories of the past. it feels like the laughter that left in the middle of a joke, like a sneeze that never came out. it feels like the cat scratching against the door, pawing, wanting to go out but kept inside with the rain beating on the window pane. or the scream that you try to do in a dream. i want to yell but i can't. maybe that's what i'm missing right now. the inability to express something anything whatever. but even if i did, you would never know.

maybe you wonder too. maybe you understand, better than i do. i thought i understood but then it came apart - my understanding.

maybe someday it will make sense. and maybe someday it still won't. but maybe, baby, that's ok.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

I was cleaning up my apartment the other day when I came upon this old CD that a friend gave me. I popped it into the player and sat back, nostalgia washing over me as I listened to The Smiths, The Cure, and Echo and the Bunnyman. I remember when I had those big waves/fins as bangs and the striped t-shirts and the stirrup pants tucked into little boots. I remember bouncing around in a club to the Go-Gos. I don't remember thinking that we looked ridiculous. It's only now, in retrospect, that I realize how bad the fashion was.

Then, today I went to the mall and saw all these teenagers wearing striped t-shirts, straight-legged jeans, with glowing skin that looked almost radioactive. They looked happy and oblivious. They have no idea what awaits for them. They have no idea how bad they will look to themselves in the future. I envy them that innocence.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

there have been a lot of changes in the past month or two. things seem to be shifting again and in strange ways, echoing the past. is this the way life is? is it a spiraling down or up toward some final destination point in the sky? it lately feels a lot like de ja vu, but this time, i think i'm a little more prepared to handle the new (and old).

after all the little things that have happened this year, the latest is really not a big deal.

yet, at one time, it would have really hurt a lot more than it does now. i mean, it doesn't really hurt. it's more like a tiny slap on the arm - something that reminds me that i've got to get a move-on - but nothing that i didn't really know wouldn't happen. i quit my job in the past month, moved back to s.f. (where it just kills me that it's freezing cold in the summertime!), and am now enrolled in night school for a new degree.... but that's not the biggest news. the biggest news is that a friend, someone for whom i once carried a big torch... well he's done it. he's gone and gotten married. what's happening to this world when people i knew who used to proclaim that marriage was for idiots are committing this act?? happy news like this can make me sad. :-)

anyway, i've done a lot of moving and changing and growing but sometimes it feels like i'm the only one who's standing still.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

it is a struggle sometimes.

I am at work right now, craning my neck at the computer, trying to pretend to be entering a chronology of events in this case that I'm working on but it is the biggest struggle I have not to click onto the internet and go to my favorite porn site or to surf on over to the best betting site I have bookmarked. How do you really bookmark something as the best, though? It's difficult because the minute you do, something else pops up that replaces what I thought was the best until pretty soon, the best is now the worst on the list....

Anyway, the days have been slowly slipping off like a silk scarf billowing and falling off one's neck on a breezy spring day. No that's not quite right. The days have been falling away and receding from me like a body falling off a building - you can't believe how fast it's going but before you know it, it's done. Kaput. Splat. Over.

I was thinking about how the days are slipping away from me because I've got a deadline on this case and yet, all I can think about is... what should I eat for dinner; or is that zit getting bigger; or am I always going to be in this job forever and ever. And, what's going on in Iraq? Ok I'll be honest. I threw that in there not to sound so self-absorbed but I am self-absorbed. Hopelessly. I'm trying not to be but uh, it's not taking very well.

In the midst of all this, the lawyer on this case calls and asks me where the Hell is the chronology of the case? I'm supposed to be organizing documents and chronologizing them into a neat pile in different boxes with an index. But, I can't stop thinking about everything else.... the Internet calls to me, its siren scream drawing me to the mouse until I click. Again. and again. and again.

It's a struggle sometimes to stay focused on my work.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

The drinks started slowly and the conversation was a little halted... I wasn't sure that you were interested; you seemed somewhat abrupt and uninterested when we met... I felt my defenses go up. I found you to be interesting and funny and someone whom I'd want to get to know better... but something about you made me feel uptight and serious and so not cool. I didn't like feeling so uncool... I started to shut down; I'm not sure why. I think I started to wonder if you were really my type and thinking that Im not your type, and then before I knew it, I had decided that nothing was going to happen between us. Typical overthinking, overanalysis... over before it started.

And that's kind of a shame... because you seemed like you could have been fun.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

i just googled someone whom i went to school with and found out that she's become a big-shot corporate lawyer at some big firm. she was always the kind of girl who would try to show off her knowledge and who felt compelled to tell everyone else how wrong they were about this or that. and, to learn that shes ended up as a lawyer in a firm made me smile with a little satisfaction... because, no matter how little i make and how much drudgery my job hands me, i get to go home at the end of the day and just forget about it all.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Ive had a stressful week. I had to endure a coworker's ranting and raving about some perceived slight of which she accused me; had a "talk" with this boy whom I'd been seeing which informed me that there was no "us" in us; and had the worst migraines.

But, on the bright side, I lost 3 lbs!!!

Thursday, March 01, 2007

I'm looking for something to ignite me, to get me worked up and to feel alive, the way you feel after a long jog through the beach. I'm looking for a way out of the drudgery of my everyday life - the spark that keeps you going. For a long time, I looked for that in things: the right pair of jeans, the car, the restaurants that I went to, the purses... Then I looked for that in people: my friends, my teachers, my boyfriends. But I ended up burning out these relationships. So I looked for it in places: travels to paris, london, rome, and berlin; hawaiian holidays; thailand; vacations in the carribean. And I looked for it in religion. Finally I looked for it in my hobbies: jogging, skiing, hiking, whitewater rafting, and even, yes, writing.

But, I found that none of this really totally ignites me. I think I've only felt that alive when I'm falling in love; then I feel like the world is both endless and finite and that I could conquer anything. Yet this feeling doesn't last when it happens with relationships. So, is there a way to experience this independent of people, places, and things?

I think that if I can maintain this sense of wonder and marvel, regardless of where I am in my life, then maybe I can possibly move worlds. Maybe then I won't need to search constantly outside of myself.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

It's been ages since we've really talked, you and I. We exchange text messages and words and even quick phone calls to catch up but we haven't really talked in a long time. We haven't really listened to each other. So I wonder whether you'll understand why I have to leave you. I can't continue to live in the past and hold on to you, even if it is in just a very small corner of my heart. I can't continue to think about the life that we might have led, because it keeps me from living the life I'm in right now. It keeps me from moving on.

Moving on. I don't like that phrase, because it implies that I'm going to relocate my heart and body and mind to another place and I hate moving. I'm not good at packing up stuff, throwing out old furniture and files and clothes that no longer belong, and reorganizing everything into neat little boxes, ready to be unpacked again at the new location. I hate the stuff that's involved with moving: the forwarding address stamped on envelopes that make me wonder if I'm receiving all my mail from my old address; the waking up in the middle of the night wondering where I am and for a split second forgetting where the new bathroom is located; and the drifting about in a daze, trying to find the best coffee shop in the new neighborhood.

Nothing is forever, though, is it? I should know that by now. I should have known that when you turned and looked at me 2 years ago as if you would never look at me again; I should have known that you were getting ready to leave. I should have known that then. But, if I didnt then, I should know now that it's high time that I left you too.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Ok, I'll admit it. Dating - I suck at it. Every bit of it: the rituals; the nuances that are supposed to be transmitted through a tone of voice, a touch of hand, a tilt of head; the planning and preparing - even if it's just preparing what to wear - and actual conversation; all of it... bring me back to second grade in Ms. Hanson's class where I wasn't sure whether I should color the sky blue or orange or something completely different, like purple.

Partly because I suck at dating and partly because of other ingrained issues, I dated very little last year. I blamed it on the weather, my job, my ex, etc. I only recently have realized that the past is past. But, some part of me still isn't willing to let go of something that I am not sure I ever wanted in the first place. Something - the comfort and familiarity and certain ideals that an ex boyfriend represent - has caused me to stay stuck.

I am tired of being stuck though. I'm ready to get out of Stuck and move into something else - even if it's Resolution, or Closure, or the New. But, sometimes late at night I still find myself wondering, if only I hadn't, or if only he weren't, or if only... going forward, I have to remember that if only means it isn't and it probably won't ever be.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I continue to struggle with my negativity. It's what I like to view as my critical mind, or the thing that allows me to differentiate between those people who are asses and those who are just idiots, but I guess that's me going all negative again. Anyway I had another epiphany, of which I seem to be having lots lately, about this thing called Life. It came to me again, through a series of events, that the main work I've got to get done here is to learn to enjoy and experience things.

Instead of obsessing over the outcome or feeling badly that things are not what I perceive as perfect, I need to start seeing what is happening right now at this time as all I need. Perfect is as perfect does. Or, no, that's not what I meant. But, well something like that.

I guess the main thing is, I feel ready to shed the skin and outer layer of cynicism. I feel ready to cast off my hard shell and to look at the world again with fresh eyes. With a positive and wide-eyed wonder that I lost. I feel ready to embrace myself and to be finally, after all, this time, totally happy with what I have... without feeling like, if only.

Happy is as happy does.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

It's going to happen very soon. It's kind of scary.

Someday I will no longer be certifiably young. Maybe it's happened already. In slow imperceptible ways, I'm not moving as quickly as I used to; I'm taking longer to recognize songs on the radio; I'm no longer like, OMG I have to buy that latest jacket at H&M. Now it's like, OMG, who would buy that jacket? It is freakin' scary to think that I'm passing through a stage of life into another one.

I remember (not as if it were yesterday because it was actually pretty long ago) that I was just 12 years old and doing a sleep-over at my friend's house. It was one of those huge sleepover parties with a ton of 12 yr old girls just talking about crap, watching tv, and honestly, I don't remenber but I do think we slept. Boytalk, makeup, and clothes. Scary urban legends... only back then we didn't call them that. I remember eating pizza for breakfast. My mom said that whenever she picked me up from these girls' events, I would put on attitude. I remember feeling like I had to go through two worlds: the young and spoiled world of these friends; and the still-struggling, old-fashioned world of my family.

I feel like that now. I feel like I'm straddling two worlds. Well actually I may be passing this world for the next one soon. I'm officially entering into middle-age. Isn't late 30s considered no longer young? I'm freakin' scared. And maybe because I'm so scared, I sometimes find myself holding on, really really tightly, to the old world that I used to know...

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

I have so few memories these days. It's almost like someone has come through the shelves of my mind and thrown boxes of the the past hour, the past week, years, out... never to be retrieved again. I wonder if this is how senility sets in. Last in, First out... does the purging of our most recent memories follow the accounting convention LIFO?

I obviously have way too much time on my hands to be contemplating how I can't remember what I did the other day. Maybe it's because I did nothing memorable. But, it's more than that... I can feel the slipping away of time in small ways. I can feel my own and my friends' lives changing. I sense how these life changes are causing us to lose each other sometimes... my grip on our relationships slowly releases to allow new relationships, activities, and friends to enter.

This happens sometimes where you're on the threshold of leaving one period and entering a new stage. Yet despite some changes in my life over the past year, I still feel like I'm waiting in the wings... waiting for the curtains to open and for the next act to begin.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Trying not to complain is hard. It's really really hard when you're an inveterate complainer; a world class whiner who finds something always to nitpick at and despair. It's going to be difficult to break myself of this lifelong habit. But I think I just got some nice news... which really makes me want to try. It is a little blessing. And for that, I'm grateful.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The past weekend was a tough one. Got some bad news that threw me off on a crying jag for 24 hours and cast all my normal daily grievances and complaints in sharp relief. We all do it - complain about the small irritations ad nauseum, without thinking. It's become reflexive for me. But then something really bad happens and you realize just how lucky you were before to be annoyed by petty things. I need to remember that if I'm whining, I'm probably being either lazy or ungrateful. Thats the lesson of the week.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

It's really really really cold in L.A. Have I mentioned that it's cold? I can't remember the last time that I felt like L.A. was TOO cold to live!! I am wearing longjohns, sweatpants, a wool sweater and a jacket and have the heat cranked up to 72 degrees. Sorry conservationists, but I'm still freezing my ass off!

I wonder if this is how people in other parts of the country feel when it's winter. It's only mid-January and I can't wait for February to get here so that L.A. can get back to its normal winter weather of 70 degrees in the daytime.

I'm not sure if it's the cold weather or it's just Me, but today I decided that my Happy Plan is not working. I know I could meditate or reflect on what it is I need to do either internally or externally to change my situation or to make myself happier.

Well I have reflected a lot. And, I've decided that I may need in fact to throw some drinks into the mix. If the drinking doesn't work, then I'll have to consider drugs.

Well, off to find another layer of clothing....

Monday, January 15, 2007

The ugly mood has passed but some residual after-effects are an extra 4 lbs from lots of nachos and chocolate to pacify myself.

I wish I could find a drug to cure myself of feeling my emotions. Yeah I guess it's called Prozac. But, I didn't really mean drug. I meant, I wish I could find a non-drug way to get out of a funk. A non-drug way that doesn't rely on other unhealthy and fattening addictions.

Avoidance is another issue that I am trying to deal with. In avoiding one issue, I usually come upon other issues. Then, its a question of which issue I want to avoid more- and I usually will obsess about the perceived easier issue...

Today for example, I came across an old note from an ex boyfriend that made me nostalgic. I started thinking about ex again and remembering the good and bad times. I started to question whether what bothered me about our relationship was really that important. I remembered how he used to do small things, like bring me home ice cream when I was feeling upset, and how he used to watch me fall asleep. I miss those things.

Ultimately, I'd forgotten that I was going to be more future-focused and optimistic this year. I'd also forgotten the reasons that I broke up with ex in the first place. So much easier to look back than to face the hard questions. What do I want out of life and how am I going to get it?

Monday, January 08, 2007

Anger and resentment are funny emotions. They lay beneath the surface, swimming placidly below the lake like the crocodile (or is it the alligator) and suddenly leap up out of nowhere and BITE, they have your ass before you know it. You could be walking along humming a little tune like a bee, but then someone says something, and SNAP, the jaws of anger have you in its grip and you can't struggle free.

This happened today. It's definitely not part of the Optimism program 2007. Anger is an emotion that can corrode away your heart so I want to keep it to a minimum.

Although it's not the type of anger that is white-hot and causes me to lose control of my words or my thoughts, it's scary too because it's the cold anger that is harder to let go of. It feels like cold coffee: murky, cold, and just too bitter to drink.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007


So it's the new year and I've resolved that I need to be more positive. It's the one thing I resolve every year and like, losing weight, it still ends up being something I need to resolve again every Jan. 1.

Anyway this year I resolve to be positive and happy and psyched that I'm turning a year older!!! Yeah!!! It will be great!!!!!!!

I hope that this enthusiasm lasts through the year.

If not, I can always resort to plain old scroogey bah-humbug feelings by December.