Tuesday, December 19, 2006


The other day someone texted me by mistake, and said: U shd read the Alchemist. It was a wrong number text but it felt like a sign.

I'd read the book a while ago, but I did a search on it because I'd read it a long time ago. Why dig out the book when I can get on Amazon to look for a review/summary of the book.

It's about a young shepherd boy from Spain who is on a mission to find gold and believes that he needs to go to Egypt to find it. And after going through many adventures and landing in Egypt, he discovers that the gold was in the small town where he left it. When I first read it, I thought, geez, does this story mean that you don't have to travel long and hard to find your treasure? Does this mean that one shouldn't travel at all? Does it mean that you should start digging in your own backyard? And then someone explained to me that it is about the journey we take to discover our personal mission or treasure - and that this journey is really about getting to know ourselves, and that everything we need is within....

I'd read this book about 5 years ago. At the time, I think I thought, hmmm that's kind of interesting. But, I puzzled over its meaning and then forgot about it as I went on about my daily mindless way, going out with friends getting drunk figuring out what I was going to wear the next day.

I think I need to read the book again. I'm 36 going on 13. I dont find my job satisfying; I could use more friends; I haven't had a boyfriend in at least two years. Is this what they call a midlife crisis and is it the crisis of confidence that you have in the middle of the journey - where you don't know if you're going in the right direction and if you need to turn back or where you're not sure where next? Or, is this the beginning of a journey to discover myself? I wish I knew.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

I am SO bored! It's the holiday season and I have a party to go to tonight - it's at the firm partner's house and he and his wife are throwing it in their post-modern monstrosity in the hills. I mean isn't it enough that I work for these people all week long and now they want me to reserve a weekend night for them too?? I wouldn't go except that it's usually pretty good food. Plus, how often do you get to go and get drunk and sick and throw up in their bathroom! Well, I haven't done that, but someone I know did last year. And the year before, one of the poor associates who got drunk decided that she would do a little strip tease. I was drunk too and egged her on. That wasn't such a good idea. In retrospect.

I don't know what to wear and don't want to wear anything holiday-ish. I'll probably wear all black - my goth outfit. If I had time to go shopping today, that would have been a good idea but I don't and I just feel in a funk and am sitting here, looking outside my apartment window and thinking BLAH. The holidays are the worst form of misery there is.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

when you have a raging headache, it's all you can do not to lie flat on your back and think, ok God, you win. squash me now. please giant tsunami ride over my house and pull me into the ocean. anything would be better than this pain. even when it's not a raging headache but just a slightly uncomfortable dinging in the back of neck and brain, it's enough to make you reconsider this whole living-in-a-body thing.

Friday, August 18, 2006

ch ch changes...

it occurs to me in waves sometimes that everything is changing... my friends are changing or leaving. people are having children or getting married or both. i'm getting wrinkles. now i see the gray hairs framing my bangs in ways that don't look cute or odd or really that unusual for my face anymore. changes abound and not all of them are pleasant.

yet on the big points, some things remain the same. i still haven't quite found my niche in life. i still don't know who i want to be when i grow up. i still haven't met the right person at a point in my life when most people have been married at least a decade.

on the upside, some things remain the same... i have my health. i have my sanity for the most part. my parents are healthy. i guess i'll stop while i'm ahead.