faking it

instead of being my usual blah self and going around with my shit-eating grin while secretly judging the world and feeling my discontents, i'm going to try a new strategy.

fake it till i make it! ok that's not an entirely new strategy; that's something i've been wanting to do ever since i started this blogparty but starting as of right now, i'm going to be the party that i want to attend. starting right now, i'm going to focus on what i can do to get to a better and happier spot. yes there's always the bump in the road that hits your low-riding car, or the snark in the comments section, or the steaming pile of dog poo on the street that is narrowly averted, but i'm going to focus instead on the lavendar scent from the bushes, the glimmering ocean, the wide smiles of children, and the smell of bread baking, and think, damn this isn't so bad after all.

there's something about being happy that is infectious and inspiring; it's like a cool sweet watermelon in the sauna days of summer. until you bite into it, you don't know what you're missing but once you have it, you want it and can't imagine life without it. so here's to happy! and faking it till you make it. here's to feeling like all this, everything that we have right now at this time in this moment and in this way is all OK. And, to smiling a little, even when you don't totally feel like it.

There's much that I want to say to you now, but I can't because your life is far away from me now. There's much that I wish I had appreciated about you. But, that's always the way.

Looking back on the horizon, I notice now the flowers dotting the side of the road and the vast dusty brown-green landscape. I notice how the mountains on the side look much smaller than they did miles ago. I see a cloud spreading its fingers into the sky and I forget to look at the road I'm on and where I'm going. I've got to remember to keep my eyes on the road and focus on where I am, and not where I've been.

I don't look back as much now, but still, I can't help looking back into the rear-view mirror occasionally and catching a glimpse behind me, and wondering what would have happened if I'd stayed. But, then I'd probably be peering ahead and wondering what the road looks like ahead.

it's already october. the chill in the air reminds me that another year is passing. another year in which i haven't accomplished my goals. another year that i am older. another year that i have wasted time. wasted time at work; at play; and even in sleep. wasted time not doing the right things, the important things, the things that i can look back on and smile thinking, those were hours that i don't regret.

i have half-listened to friends; half-assedly surfed the internet; half-heartedly liked someone i was dating (but whom i couldn't really bring myself even to kiss); and half-spent my life now. it is nearly half spent and it feels like i have done nothing that is even half-worth it.

that's not entirely true. a few moments shine. the crowded beach when i was 13 and lithe and tan. wearing my tight jeans and feeling like the world was ahead of me. late nights with my friends doing nothing more than drinking and laughing at the absurdity of things. that chocolate mousse that was nearly perfect. a warm cup of coffee on a frozen morning. the way that he smiled and looked at me. lounging on the porch, listening to the rain and reading a book.

the world is falling apart. it's times like these, i realize that i should pay attention to everything. even in the midst of half-assed half-hearted moments, life happens.

you will never know how much i missed you.

you will never know that i used to wake up with your name on the tip of my tongue and mind - just hanging in the space of everything, like dust and molecules floating in the air... invisible but present.

you will never know that i recently started writing you letters in cyberspace - a place to voice my thoughts in penance.

you will never know that i still think of you with the sorrow of someone who in hindsight understands loss.

you will never know that sometimes, late at night, i imagine that you are here with me and that our lives had turned out differently.

last night i remembered you again. i was with someone else but for a second, i imagined he was you... and it made me happy. silly me.

you will never know, but it's time to let go.

i'm trying to be compassionate, respectful, and fair in my dealings with people. sometimes it's hard when they throw only anger, disrespect, or bad attitude at me. and it makes me wonder whether i've somehow drawn or attracted that situation to my life? it makes me stop and examine my role in the interaction to see whether i'm contributing to the reaction, and many times, i realize, yes i am contributing my share to the situation. sometimes though, people can just be plain rude, unprovoked. in those cases, i've decided that it's best to shake it off and let it go. after stomping all over 'em, of course. ha. just kidding.

When you lose someone whom you were close to, it can be shocking. It really drives home the idea that all things are transient - even those things we take for granted as being permanent fixtures. You realize that all the little things that you obsess over are not important. Not as important as the people whom you care about and not as important as how you spend your time with, and treat, them. We're all on this ride for a limited time so make sure to enjoy it and the people who are riding with you.

When the leaves fall and turn orange,
they paint fire on the cool gray sidewalk.
Last remaining embers scattering
flying, torching the world.
Last burst of sun and summer
Reminder of lush green trees
thick with leaves.
Now fallen, shivering, moldering,
when did it get cold and gray.
Darkness comes too soon.