maybe I'll never understand the reason for why we never worked out. ironic, because i thought for some reason it wouldn't but couldn't figure it out. maybe you and i in a parallel universe are living out a happy and fulfilling life together. sometimes when i'm stone cold sober i remember the reasons, but lately, i am awash in a fog of wonder.

and maybe i'm just wishing hopelessly against hope that someday it will all make sense to me. right now, it doesn't - even though it did a while ago.

it feels confusing - mashed up gray emotions mixed with the soggy memories of the past. it feels like the laughter that left in the middle of a joke, like a sneeze that never came out. it feels like the cat scratching against the door, pawing, wanting to go out but kept inside with the rain beating on the window pane. or the scream that you try to do in a dream. i want to yell but i can't. maybe that's what i'm missing right now. the inability to express something anything whatever. but even if i did, you would never know.

maybe you wonder too. maybe you understand, better than i do. i thought i understood but then it came apart - my understanding.

maybe someday it will make sense. and maybe someday it still won't. but maybe, baby, that's ok.