Ok, I'll admit it. Dating - I suck at it. Every bit of it: the rituals; the nuances that are supposed to be transmitted through a tone of voice, a touch of hand, a tilt of head; the planning and preparing - even if it's just preparing what to wear - and actual conversation; all of it... bring me back to second grade in Ms. Hanson's class where I wasn't sure whether I should color the sky blue or orange or something completely different, like purple.

Partly because I suck at dating and partly because of other ingrained issues, I dated very little last year. I blamed it on the weather, my job, my ex, etc. I only recently have realized that the past is past. But, some part of me still isn't willing to let go of something that I am not sure I ever wanted in the first place. Something - the comfort and familiarity and certain ideals that an ex boyfriend represent - has caused me to stay stuck.

I am tired of being stuck though. I'm ready to get out of Stuck and move into something else - even if it's Resolution, or Closure, or the New. But, sometimes late at night I still find myself wondering, if only I hadn't, or if only he weren't, or if only... going forward, I have to remember that if only means it isn't and it probably won't ever be.