it is a struggle sometimes.

I am at work right now, craning my neck at the computer, trying to pretend to be entering a chronology of events in this case that I'm working on but it is the biggest struggle I have not to click onto the internet and go to my favorite porn site or to surf on over to the best betting site I have bookmarked. How do you really bookmark something as the best, though? It's difficult because the minute you do, something else pops up that replaces what I thought was the best until pretty soon, the best is now the worst on the list....

Anyway, the days have been slowly slipping off like a silk scarf billowing and falling off one's neck on a breezy spring day. No that's not quite right. The days have been falling away and receding from me like a body falling off a building - you can't believe how fast it's going but before you know it, it's done. Kaput. Splat. Over.

I was thinking about how the days are slipping away from me because I've got a deadline on this case and yet, all I can think about is... what should I eat for dinner; or is that zit getting bigger; or am I always going to be in this job forever and ever. And, what's going on in Iraq? Ok I'll be honest. I threw that in there not to sound so self-absorbed but I am self-absorbed. Hopelessly. I'm trying not to be but uh, it's not taking very well.

In the midst of all this, the lawyer on this case calls and asks me where the Hell is the chronology of the case? I'm supposed to be organizing documents and chronologizing them into a neat pile in different boxes with an index. But, I can't stop thinking about everything else.... the Internet calls to me, its siren scream drawing me to the mouse until I click. Again. and again. and again.

It's a struggle sometimes to stay focused on my work.

The drinks started slowly and the conversation was a little halted... I wasn't sure that you were interested; you seemed somewhat abrupt and uninterested when we met... I felt my defenses go up. I found you to be interesting and funny and someone whom I'd want to get to know better... but something about you made me feel uptight and serious and so not cool. I didn't like feeling so uncool... I started to shut down; I'm not sure why. I think I started to wonder if you were really my type and thinking that Im not your type, and then before I knew it, I had decided that nothing was going to happen between us. Typical overthinking, overanalysis... over before it started.

And that's kind of a shame... because you seemed like you could have been fun.

i just googled someone whom i went to school with and found out that she's become a big-shot corporate lawyer at some big firm. she was always the kind of girl who would try to show off her knowledge and who felt compelled to tell everyone else how wrong they were about this or that. and, to learn that shes ended up as a lawyer in a firm made me smile with a little satisfaction... because, no matter how little i make and how much drudgery my job hands me, i get to go home at the end of the day and just forget about it all.

Ive had a stressful week. I had to endure a coworker's ranting and raving about some perceived slight of which she accused me; had a "talk" with this boy whom I'd been seeing which informed me that there was no "us" in us; and had the worst migraines.

But, on the bright side, I lost 3 lbs!!!

I'm looking for something to ignite me, to get me worked up and to feel alive, the way you feel after a long jog through the beach. I'm looking for a way out of the drudgery of my everyday life - the spark that keeps you going. For a long time, I looked for that in things: the right pair of jeans, the car, the restaurants that I went to, the purses... Then I looked for that in people: my friends, my teachers, my boyfriends. But I ended up burning out these relationships. So I looked for it in places: travels to paris, london, rome, and berlin; hawaiian holidays; thailand; vacations in the carribean. And I looked for it in religion. Finally I looked for it in my hobbies: jogging, skiing, hiking, whitewater rafting, and even, yes, writing.

But, I found that none of this really totally ignites me. I think I've only felt that alive when I'm falling in love; then I feel like the world is both endless and finite and that I could conquer anything. Yet this feeling doesn't last when it happens with relationships. So, is there a way to experience this independent of people, places, and things?

I think that if I can maintain this sense of wonder and marvel, regardless of where I am in my life, then maybe I can possibly move worlds. Maybe then I won't need to search constantly outside of myself.

It's been ages since we've really talked, you and I. We exchange text messages and words and even quick phone calls to catch up but we haven't really talked in a long time. We haven't really listened to each other. So I wonder whether you'll understand why I have to leave you. I can't continue to live in the past and hold on to you, even if it is in just a very small corner of my heart. I can't continue to think about the life that we might have led, because it keeps me from living the life I'm in right now. It keeps me from moving on.

Moving on. I don't like that phrase, because it implies that I'm going to relocate my heart and body and mind to another place and I hate moving. I'm not good at packing up stuff, throwing out old furniture and files and clothes that no longer belong, and reorganizing everything into neat little boxes, ready to be unpacked again at the new location. I hate the stuff that's involved with moving: the forwarding address stamped on envelopes that make me wonder if I'm receiving all my mail from my old address; the waking up in the middle of the night wondering where I am and for a split second forgetting where the new bathroom is located; and the drifting about in a daze, trying to find the best coffee shop in the new neighborhood.

Nothing is forever, though, is it? I should know that by now. I should have known that when you turned and looked at me 2 years ago as if you would never look at me again; I should have known that you were getting ready to leave. I should have known that then. But, if I didnt then, I should know now that it's high time that I left you too.

Ok, I'll admit it. Dating - I suck at it. Every bit of it: the rituals; the nuances that are supposed to be transmitted through a tone of voice, a touch of hand, a tilt of head; the planning and preparing - even if it's just preparing what to wear - and actual conversation; all of it... bring me back to second grade in Ms. Hanson's class where I wasn't sure whether I should color the sky blue or orange or something completely different, like purple.

Partly because I suck at dating and partly because of other ingrained issues, I dated very little last year. I blamed it on the weather, my job, my ex, etc. I only recently have realized that the past is past. But, some part of me still isn't willing to let go of something that I am not sure I ever wanted in the first place. Something - the comfort and familiarity and certain ideals that an ex boyfriend represent - has caused me to stay stuck.

I am tired of being stuck though. I'm ready to get out of Stuck and move into something else - even if it's Resolution, or Closure, or the New. But, sometimes late at night I still find myself wondering, if only I hadn't, or if only he weren't, or if only... going forward, I have to remember that if only means it isn't and it probably won't ever be.

I continue to struggle with my negativity. It's what I like to view as my critical mind, or the thing that allows me to differentiate between those people who are asses and those who are just idiots, but I guess that's me going all negative again. Anyway I had another epiphany, of which I seem to be having lots lately, about this thing called Life. It came to me again, through a series of events, that the main work I've got to get done here is to learn to enjoy and experience things.

Instead of obsessing over the outcome or feeling badly that things are not what I perceive as perfect, I need to start seeing what is happening right now at this time as all I need. Perfect is as perfect does. Or, no, that's not what I meant. But, well something like that.

I guess the main thing is, I feel ready to shed the skin and outer layer of cynicism. I feel ready to cast off my hard shell and to look at the world again with fresh eyes. With a positive and wide-eyed wonder that I lost. I feel ready to embrace myself and to be finally, after all, this time, totally happy with what I have... without feeling like, if only.

Happy is as happy does.

It's going to happen very soon. It's kind of scary.

Someday I will no longer be certifiably young. Maybe it's happened already. In slow imperceptible ways, I'm not moving as quickly as I used to; I'm taking longer to recognize songs on the radio; I'm no longer like, OMG I have to buy that latest jacket at H&M. Now it's like, OMG, who would buy that jacket? It is freakin' scary to think that I'm passing through a stage of life into another one.

I remember (not as if it were yesterday because it was actually pretty long ago) that I was just 12 years old and doing a sleep-over at my friend's house. It was one of those huge sleepover parties with a ton of 12 yr old girls just talking about crap, watching tv, and honestly, I don't remenber but I do think we slept. Boytalk, makeup, and clothes. Scary urban legends... only back then we didn't call them that. I remember eating pizza for breakfast. My mom said that whenever she picked me up from these girls' events, I would put on attitude. I remember feeling like I had to go through two worlds: the young and spoiled world of these friends; and the still-struggling, old-fashioned world of my family.

I feel like that now. I feel like I'm straddling two worlds. Well actually I may be passing this world for the next one soon. I'm officially entering into middle-age. Isn't late 30s considered no longer young? I'm freakin' scared. And maybe because I'm so scared, I sometimes find myself holding on, really really tightly, to the old world that I used to know...

I have so few memories these days. It's almost like someone has come through the shelves of my mind and thrown boxes of the the past hour, the past week, years, out... never to be retrieved again. I wonder if this is how senility sets in. Last in, First out... does the purging of our most recent memories follow the accounting convention LIFO?

I obviously have way too much time on my hands to be contemplating how I can't remember what I did the other day. Maybe it's because I did nothing memorable. But, it's more than that... I can feel the slipping away of time in small ways. I can feel my own and my friends' lives changing. I sense how these life changes are causing us to lose each other sometimes... my grip on our relationships slowly releases to allow new relationships, activities, and friends to enter.

This happens sometimes where you're on the threshold of leaving one period and entering a new stage. Yet despite some changes in my life over the past year, I still feel like I'm waiting in the wings... waiting for the curtains to open and for the next act to begin.

Trying not to complain is hard. It's really really hard when you're an inveterate complainer; a world class whiner who finds something always to nitpick at and despair. It's going to be difficult to break myself of this lifelong habit. But I think I just got some nice news... which really makes me want to try. It is a little blessing. And for that, I'm grateful.

The past weekend was a tough one. Got some bad news that threw me off on a crying jag for 24 hours and cast all my normal daily grievances and complaints in sharp relief. We all do it - complain about the small irritations ad nauseum, without thinking. It's become reflexive for me. But then something really bad happens and you realize just how lucky you were before to be annoyed by petty things. I need to remember that if I'm whining, I'm probably being either lazy or ungrateful. Thats the lesson of the week.

It's really really really cold in L.A. Have I mentioned that it's cold? I can't remember the last time that I felt like L.A. was TOO cold to live!! I am wearing longjohns, sweatpants, a wool sweater and a jacket and have the heat cranked up to 72 degrees. Sorry conservationists, but I'm still freezing my ass off!

I wonder if this is how people in other parts of the country feel when it's winter. It's only mid-January and I can't wait for February to get here so that L.A. can get back to its normal winter weather of 70 degrees in the daytime.

I'm not sure if it's the cold weather or it's just Me, but today I decided that my Happy Plan is not working. I know I could meditate or reflect on what it is I need to do either internally or externally to change my situation or to make myself happier.

Well I have reflected a lot. And, I've decided that I may need in fact to throw some drinks into the mix. If the drinking doesn't work, then I'll have to consider drugs.

Well, off to find another layer of clothing....

The ugly mood has passed but some residual after-effects are an extra 4 lbs from lots of nachos and chocolate to pacify myself.

I wish I could find a drug to cure myself of feeling my emotions. Yeah I guess it's called Prozac. But, I didn't really mean drug. I meant, I wish I could find a non-drug way to get out of a funk. A non-drug way that doesn't rely on other unhealthy and fattening addictions.

Avoidance is another issue that I am trying to deal with. In avoiding one issue, I usually come upon other issues. Then, its a question of which issue I want to avoid more- and I usually will obsess about the perceived easier issue...

Today for example, I came across an old note from an ex boyfriend that made me nostalgic. I started thinking about ex again and remembering the good and bad times. I started to question whether what bothered me about our relationship was really that important. I remembered how he used to do small things, like bring me home ice cream when I was feeling upset, and how he used to watch me fall asleep. I miss those things.

Ultimately, I'd forgotten that I was going to be more future-focused and optimistic this year. I'd also forgotten the reasons that I broke up with ex in the first place. So much easier to look back than to face the hard questions. What do I want out of life and how am I going to get it?

Anger and resentment are funny emotions. They lay beneath the surface, swimming placidly below the lake like the crocodile (or is it the alligator) and suddenly leap up out of nowhere and BITE, they have your ass before you know it. You could be walking along humming a little tune like a bee, but then someone says something, and SNAP, the jaws of anger have you in its grip and you can't struggle free.

This happened today. It's definitely not part of the Optimism program 2007. Anger is an emotion that can corrode away your heart so I want to keep it to a minimum.

Although it's not the type of anger that is white-hot and causes me to lose control of my words or my thoughts, it's scary too because it's the cold anger that is harder to let go of. It feels like cold coffee: murky, cold, and just too bitter to drink.

HNY

So it's the new year and I've resolved that I need to be more positive. It's the one thing I resolve every year and like, losing weight, it still ends up being something I need to resolve again every Jan. 1.

Anyway this year I resolve to be positive and happy and psyched that I'm turning a year older!!! Yeah!!! It will be great!!!!!!!

I hope that this enthusiasm lasts through the year.

If not, I can always resort to plain old scroogey bah-humbug feelings by December.

Alchemy

The other day someone texted me by mistake, and said: U shd read the Alchemist. It was a wrong number text but it felt like a sign.

I'd read the book a while ago, but I did a search on it because I'd read it a long time ago. Why dig out the book when I can get on Amazon to look for a review/summary of the book.

It's about a young shepherd boy from Spain who is on a mission to find gold and believes that he needs to go to Egypt to find it. And after going through many adventures and landing in Egypt, he discovers that the gold was in the small town where he left it. When I first read it, I thought, geez, does this story mean that you don't have to travel long and hard to find your treasure? Does this mean that one shouldn't travel at all? Does it mean that you should start digging in your own backyard? And then someone explained to me that it is about the journey we take to discover our personal mission or treasure - and that this journey is really about getting to know ourselves, and that everything we need is within....

I'd read this book about 5 years ago. At the time, I think I thought, hmmm that's kind of interesting. But, I puzzled over its meaning and then forgot about it as I went on about my daily mindless way, going out with friends getting drunk figuring out what I was going to wear the next day.

I think I need to read the book again. I'm 36 going on 13. I dont find my job satisfying; I could use more friends; I haven't had a boyfriend in at least two years. Is this what they call a midlife crisis and is it the crisis of confidence that you have in the middle of the journey - where you don't know if you're going in the right direction and if you need to turn back or where you're not sure where next? Or, is this the beginning of a journey to discover myself? I wish I knew.

I am SO bored! It's the holiday season and I have a party to go to tonight - it's at the firm partner's house and he and his wife are throwing it in their post-modern monstrosity in the hills. I mean isn't it enough that I work for these people all week long and now they want me to reserve a weekend night for them too?? I wouldn't go except that it's usually pretty good food. Plus, how often do you get to go and get drunk and sick and throw up in their bathroom! Well, I haven't done that, but someone I know did last year. And the year before, one of the poor associates who got drunk decided that she would do a little strip tease. I was drunk too and egged her on. That wasn't such a good idea. In retrospect.

I don't know what to wear and don't want to wear anything holiday-ish. I'll probably wear all black - my goth outfit. If I had time to go shopping today, that would have been a good idea but I don't and I just feel in a funk and am sitting here, looking outside my apartment window and thinking BLAH. The holidays are the worst form of misery there is.

when you have a raging headache, it's all you can do not to lie flat on your back and think, ok God, you win. squash me now. please giant tsunami ride over my house and pull me into the ocean. anything would be better than this pain. even when it's not a raging headache but just a slightly uncomfortable dinging in the back of neck and brain, it's enough to make you reconsider this whole living-in-a-body thing.

ch ch changes...

it occurs to me in waves sometimes that everything is changing... my friends are changing or leaving. people are having children or getting married or both. i'm getting wrinkles. now i see the gray hairs framing my bangs in ways that don't look cute or odd or really that unusual for my face anymore. changes abound and not all of them are pleasant.

yet on the big points, some things remain the same. i still haven't quite found my niche in life. i still don't know who i want to be when i grow up. i still haven't met the right person at a point in my life when most people have been married at least a decade.

on the upside, some things remain the same... i have my health. i have my sanity for the most part. my parents are healthy. i guess i'll stop while i'm ahead.